Sunday, September 16, 2012

new feature: lines to use on your kids

remember Super Sillypants? well, i've got some more silly lines to use on young children who seem predisposed to being oblivious to the obvious. introducing silly sanisms. is that a word? sanism? no. do you care? no. you just spent all night nursing a fussy infant, "waking up" to make the kindergartner a semi-healthy school snack (hey, the Goldfish are whole grain), and somewhere in there managing to actually brush your hair and look half-way presentable (dude, i totally put on clean jeans today!).

the first silly sanism i would like to present for your use answers the onslaught of requests that grow exponentially with (a) each additional child in your brood and (b) the number of nanoseconds from the first query to your response.


"phew. made it in the door. i just have to put away these groceries..."
"mom, can i have a yogurt?"
"mommy, i messy!"
"yeah, yeah. just a sec' here..."
"mom, can i have a yogurt?"
"mommy, diaper!"
"uh-huh, i heard you..."
"mom, where's my yogurt?"
"mommy, i 'ant 'ogurt too!"
"good gravy, am i talking to myself here?"
"mom, yogurt?"
"diaper! 'ogurt!"
"agh!"
"MO-O-O-OM!"
"MOM-MY!"
"aghhhhhh! MOMMY IS NOT AN OCTOPUS!"
(sound of crickets)

i used to want to be a squirrel when asked "what animal would you be?" no more squirrels. i would be an octopus. then maybe i could put away the milk, crack open a yogurt, change a diaper, type an email, and sip a cup of coffee – while it's still hot. and if the kids start to pitch a fit or disobey? INKED! oh, the satisfaction.

but i'm not an octopus. i have two arms, not eight. i have "the look," not a built-in squirt gun. but for some reason, this retort made sense to my kids' brains. the first time they were just confused. the second time, they got the explanation. now, it's just that magic line i use whenever i'm being inundated by requests at an inopportune time.

"mommy is not an octopus!" even though she'd like to be some days.


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