The Responsibilities of Chores

by Jes

Really, I don’t blame the whining, complaining and the notion that chores are boring, because, well … I feel the same way. If given the option to read a good book, garden or have writing time, I would choose one of those over emptying the dishwasher, folding laundry or sweeping the floor any day, bar none.

As grown-ups we have learned the virtue of you do something because it is the right thing to do, not because you want to. After all, the dishes don’t do themselves and neither does the laundry. Recently I watched Disney’s “Sword in the Stone” and Merlin frees Wart (or Arthur) from his chores by using magic to make the cleaning tools come to life, and Wart complains that Merlin is taking away his responsibilities. He complained! That got my attention faster than the magical mop cleaning up the room (which is pretty cool, I need to get me one of those). Props to old-school Disney for a positive message!

Taking a lesson from young King Arthur, I decided it was time to stop looking at housework and honey-do lists as chores and view them as responsibilities. I have zero intention of doing a political correctness spin on an old-fashioned notion, but I wonder if changing the word made all the difference? So I tried it and there is actually a change in perception – not only did I feel more empowered but so did my children.

I have a rule in my house (that existed before the “responsibility” experiment) that we clean things up regardless of who makes the mess. I do the dishes even though I did not dirty them all, I do the laundry even though I did not wear all the clothes, I sweep the floor even though I did not put all the crumbs on the floor. So if I ask a child to clean up the living room, I mean everything, not just what they played with. We make messes together as a family, therefore, we clean up together as a family.

With this notion in mind, I decided to use the word “responsibilities” as well as issue some specific ones per child per week on a rotating schedule for extra oomph. I made a simple responsibilities list and clothes pins with their names on it to mark who does what. They pick out their extra responsibilities each Sunday and then the game is on! They love it! My oldest actually asked for one more responsibility to distinguish him from the younger two as he is the oldest. I could cry, I was speechless and my mother’s heart was overflowing with all sorts of parental pride.

Now, the whining and complaining was not gone. It was minimized, but not completely gone. But there are tricks a mom can use to turn whining into laughter. On hard-to-motivate days, make it a game. Here are a few games we enjoy as a family:

1Beat the clock. I set a timer for 20 minutes and we race against the clock to see how much we can get done – the reward is a scoop of ice cream. If we get it all done in the 20 minutes, then we get some whipped cream on top. So, the fun bonding reward is there no matter what and then there is a bonus reward for beating the clock. If it isn't done on time, just say, “next time we’ll beat that pesky clock and get whipped cream!” Make it silly!

2 Freeze-dance cleaning sessions. Turn on some fun music and every so often pause it, turning everyone into statues. When the music begins again, everyone starts cleaning! To be extra silly, make comments about the statues: “Look at Myles, his arm extended beautifully as he works hard to destroy the dust collection on the TV!” This not only acknowledges what they are doing, but humor breaks up the chore-day grumpies.

3Change of pace. Take turns deciding how things will be cleaned up; for example, we’ll move fast, slow, tip-toe, like a ballerina, or like a puppy dog (warning with this one, puppy dogs can magically use their paws to prevent the use of a mouth to pick up everything. Learned that one the hard way!).

How does your family approach chores … ahem … responsibilities? Do you play any games to make it more fun?



attribution: the photo for this post comes from ThreeIfByBike.

The Myth Behind Parent-Child Negotiations

by Jes

It starts out innocent. You put your child to bed and they suddenly have to go to the bathroom … again. Or they have a thirst like any other thirst they have ever experienced before and MUST have water or else they’ll fall to the floor in a puddle. Your child receives a plate of food with reasonable and healthy portions. They ask how many bites they must eat to receive a treat, or to be excused from the table. You ask them to help with a responsibility (like fold towels) and instantaneously they are hungry.

As they grow older the negotiations become more mature and at times pre-meditated. Your child is suddenly sweet, extra snuggly, being strangely compliant about everything. This is their first mistake because as a parent you weren’t born yesterday. Although you believe your child is an angel capable of loving, kind and respectful behavior, you also know their limitations. So what gives? They want something and they are buttering you up before asking and setting in place evidence for negotiation. “Mom, I did all you asked" …or … "Mom, I was really good today" ... "Why can’t I -- spend the night at Susie’s house? ... have more video game time? ... stay up 30 minutes later?”

At what point does a parent enter into negotiations, and when it is wrong for a child to negotiate?

As a parent I have learned it is critical to have clear expectations in place. For example, bed time is promptly at 9 p.m., so they need to take care of all their needs and potential needs before then. If they feel they may be thirsty after being tucked in, they need to prepare a glass of water just in case. If they wish to stay up, they need to discuss this with me ahead of time, not while preparing for bed. That is the wrong time to enter into negotiations as it sets a precedent that your clear expectations are really grey matter. When a child begins this negotiation with me I say, “Great question, ask me tomorrow and we’ll plan a day where you can stay up 30 minutes later, but not tonight. Bedtime is at 9 p.m.”

I usually receive whining, and last-ditch efforts to try and persuade me but I try as much as possible to stay the course (yes, sometimes they win me over, and they celebrate when they do … I do have my soft moments). Why stay the course? It is the wrong time to enter into negotiations, not that negotiations are wrong. There is a myth that children who negotiate are always manipulative and disrespectful of the rules. It is fabulous when children are able to plan and prepare an argument to make something happen, but it is unfortunate when they are allowed to manipulate as that undermines the value of respect.

Continuing with the example, to give in right before bedtime consistently (not occasionally) teaches them they can manipulate, that there are no boundaries and reasonable expectations. To request a meeting and a discussion at an appropriate time teaches them life skills they can take into other relationships and into their future workplace. It teaches respect.

I am not suggesting you turn into a tyrant and refuse water or bathroom visitations after lights have been turned off, but that you remind your children to care for their needs before the final bedtime routine. If necessary post a list in their bedroom or bathroom (words and/or with pictures) of all that is expected of them to do prior to lights out, ensuring a higher rate of success … and if nothing else, it puts the power of negotiations without argument back into your court. “Oh? Well, let’s take a look at the bedtime list. I’m sorry you forgot your water. Go back to bed and I’ll bring you a glass as you should be in bed now.” Or, “If you need to use the restroom there is no need to visit me and announce it, we can spend time together tomorrow, just go and then return straight to bed.”

What are some examples of clear expectations in your home? Do your children try to negotiate? How
are negotiations handled in your home? I would love to hear all about it! Other parents, too, it helps us
all learn from each other.



photo credit: "glass of water" by followtheseinstructions, via Flickr

Our New Look

by Melissa

Not quite a year ago, I started this blog as an outlet—for my parental frustrations as well as my professional drive to keep writing, writing anything at all. Here's an excerpt from that original "About" page, which shall be kept for posterity:

inevitably, some of the most poignant times – when we remember why parenting is a joy – are when we're all doubled over in giggles over something that would make our single friends look at us with a pitying 'you've gone nuts.' they have no idea that it's the sanest we've felt in a long harried time. remembering the carefree parts of being a child by celebrating them with our own keeps the crazy away.

this blog is a compendium of light-hearted reminders to enjoy our kids and cherish the fleeting years we have with the silly stage – before they turn into sour teenagers.

Not quite a year later, you've noticed a lot of "guest" posts from a dear friend of mine, Jesikah, and as of yesterday, another dear friend, Pavette, who are writers in their own right—as well as super mommas with the healthy dose of humor that's needed for this parenting trip. In other words, they've got the silly = sane philosophy down.

So I'm not waiting for some one-year anniversary of reflection. In the midst of potty training a 2-year-old (oh, how I hate poop), trying to jimmy-rig a clown costume for my 5-year-old (oh, how I hate clowns), and increasingly filling naptime hours with paid work (oh, how I hate bills but love paychecks), I am going to take all the help I can get with this lovely endeavor that I think is worth continuing. And, quite simply, I'm going to call this blog what it already is: a community effort!

Welcome to the new silly = sane, home of Melissa, Jesikah and Pavette—and, who knows, maybe some other contributors down the road! Check out the new About tab up top to learn more about our writers.

Incidentally, all you writing parents out there (and we do mean daddies, too) are always welcome to submit a guest post for consideration. Email me at sillyissane@gmail.com.

About this blog

Parenting children sometimes requires acting like them. That's the idea behind silly = sane, a blog that recognizes that remembering the carefree parts of being a child—by celebrating them with our own—is what helps keep the crazy away. Over the years, this blog has shared parenting strategies that work, thoughts about poop and burnt dinners, recommendations for picture books and music that keep everyone happy—all with a healthy dose of humor.

Updated June 2020

This blog is written by...

Melissa... I am a mother to two splendid young ladies. On this parenting journey, I've been continually reminded how awesome it is to be a kid (and, as an adult, to just act like one). I started this blog when my daughters were much younger, if equally rambunctious (see the old photo at right and the original About post). A freelance writer and journalist, I continue to work from home to focus on these two, the oldest of whom is now a teenager and taller than me (and happy to remind Mom about both facts... every... day...). When they were young, being silly was key to survival. In the sarcastic teen years, it's still true. Ultimately, this blog is an on-again, off-again outlet to share the parenting journey as well as a way for me to simply keep writing when other projects stall. For me, writing is a personal passion that, along with being silly, is my sure path to staying sane.

You are welcome to submit your own guest posts or ask questions; reach out to sillyissane@gmail.com.

Past contributors

Jesikah is a writer/teacher mom of three spirited children each styling an epic personality. Good thing, too, as she is always up for an adventure! Whether it is creating stories, geeking out on board games, endlessly planning her garden or making a huge mess in the kitchen, she is known to face parenting with a good dose of humor and mythic nerdiness—the essential ingredients to becoming the Geekiest Mom on the Block, a title she boasts with pride. She is now a full-time fiction writer. Check her out at jesikahsundin.com.

Pavette is the stay-at-home mom to three wonderful children. They attempt to peacefully coexist in rural Kitsap County using cooking, crafting, gardening and a lot of humor. Many a Pinterest idea has been executed by Pavette, often with results that would likely be shunned from the Pinterest community due to non-conformity.

Some of our older posts may contain affiliate links to recommended books and other items. Because, hey, if you're buying anyway... Learn more of the legal mumbo-jumbo on the disclosures page.

Tweenkling Insights: Part Two

by Jes

I guess my son felt the glare, the vocal scoff and the response through clenched teeth were not enough “signs” for me to gather that he was mad. To further drive home the point, he had to march up the stairs with pounding feet, kick a toy in his path followed by slamming his door shut forcefully. His brother came in their shared room to get something, an innocent victim in this war, completely oblivious to the “signs”. The next thing I hear is my younger son protesting while my older son is screaming orders, the door opening and my younger son being thrown out. My older son had turned his small frame instantly into the strength of a club bouncer. My younger son was now fully aware of the “signs” and was ready to give his brother a few of his own. At this point, I pulled my younger son away before more damage ensued.

For those that know my oldest son, you know he is a shy, somewhat nervous person who enjoys a good laugh, a fun story and is endlessly curious about life. He is also compassionate, sensitive to others showing remarkable empathy at times, helpful, great with small children (so patient and kind when playing with them), and he loves to read. But lately, those beautiful attributes morph into a green monster ripping his clothes off when suddenly angry. In fact, my son claims when he gets mad it is like he Hulk outs and can’t control himself. This makes his self-worth plummet.

In the day of psychology, mass media fear of young adults and school shootings, the last phrase “can’t control myself” was a terrifying confession for me to hear as a parent. Cue husband – oldest of four boys, quite rascally and mischievous, grew up making his mom believe he was a perfect angel, all the while raising hell when she wasn’t looking. It was this boyish charm that lured me in at age 15 ;-) As my maternal fears began to climb to irrational levels, my husband waltzes in and says, “that is what boys this age do” as if that explains everything.

Yet, somehow it did. Or at least, it gave me pause. “They do?” I asked back, clearly perplexed as I come from the “civilized” gender (wink! wink!). He then goes on to explain that when he was around our son’s age, he got into a lot of fights. Most boys did. The testosterone kicks in, turning little boys into men, and they leave childhood fighting.

Being an old-school parent in many ways, I suddenly realized why parents way-back-then sent their boys to the chopping block around this age and through their teenage years. They needed to burn off some steam and learn to be constructive with it in a way that benefited the home or community and to control their impulses. With flat screens replacing active play time more and more in our culture, less tweens and teens are actively doing something about their changing body in ways that help.

I resent being a referee, and throwing a flag for unnecessary roughness is not my idea of a good time. However, I have fantasized about getting a whistle and cutting out some fabric to use for a quick reaction and attention grabber … not to mention a visual representation of how a line was crossed. Wouldn’t it be fantastic if all you had to do was blow a whistle, drop a brightly colored square on the floor and your brawling boys knew there was a 10-yard penalty and instantly went into separate rooms to calm down?

OK, so back to reality. What is a parent to do with a tween boy who is raging with testosterone? I don’t have a chopping block, but I do have dirty floors, laundry that needs to be carried up and down the stairs, toilets that need cleaning, dishes to be put away and so forth. And he has a father to battle in arm wrestling, practice throwing around punches and to have a Nerf gun war.

I have also learned it is a time for more structure despite the push for independence. With freedom comes great responsibility. Knowing expectations and being able to see results and the ability to check off tween honey-do lists boosts their confidence and keeps them connected. Make them a part of the process. Allow them to herald it is family meeting time to discuss the agenda for the day, the next couple of days, the week. Let them help you with the family calendar. When you discuss things, ask them what they think. You’ll be amazed at their intelligent response. It is also a great time to expand their horizons and find ways for them to give back to the community – whether it is their neighborhood, their school, church or even their city. Keep it local so you can be more easily involved, also maintaining connection. Will they resent the idea? Most likely, but once they start helping out they’ll enjoy it, even if they don’t let you know they have.

How do you help your tween or early teen deal with their anger? Their need to physically react to the emotions they suddenly feel? To feel in control despite developmental changes they can’t control?

How can we help them feel constructive and valuable, rather than shame and our disappointment for the hormonal changes taking over their bodies and mind?

Please share your ideas and comments! I would love to hear them (and so would other parents of tweens).



photo credit: "Lego Hulk Smash," by Fantaz via Flickr

Tweenkling Insights: Part One

by Jes

My oldest boy has been replaced by an awkward young male trying to figure out if he is a child or a young man, sometimes exploding in an emotional display that I would qualify as both – asserting his independence with both verbal finesse and preschool-like tantrums. Yes, I have a tween. For those who have (or have had) a tween, you know exactly what I am talking about. As a parent you feel the excitement of brewing independence only to realize it is coupled with sassy backtalk as a means to assert said independence.

One day he was playing and the next, he wanted a cellphone, his own personal computer, wanted to know how old he had to be to have his own Facebook account, and if he could do additional chores for money to buy his own things. He then began checking the mirror looking for facial hair, which I found very amusing but of course, kept the conversation at the level of seriousness he desired.

I must admit, I went through a whole month of total shock and denial followed by another whole month of sharpening my tools as a parent. I now declare back with equal energy, "Game on!”

Similar to a preschooler, those ages 9-12 may throw a tantrum to express their independence. However, unlike a preschooler, tweens are quite articulate, forming reasonable arguments and can have intimidating responses to “no,” not to mention their social needs are intense. Oh, did I mention their social needs are intense? They want get-togethers with friends every second of every day! My life is consumed with talking about friend-time, thinking about friend-time, planning friend-time … and video games, and wanting to know when we can have pizza again for dinner. (Their appetite is remarkable, especially if you have a boy!)

I will never forget the moment I snapped out of denial, it was a lovely Fall afternoon when my rule-following, compliant, always easy-mannered son yelled at me from the top of the stairs that I was ruining his life (his exact words), followed by a very impressive eye roll, and then a glare that instantly made my superhero-strength mom armor activate.

My first response? Anger. Pure, outraged, don’t-you-dare-disrespect-me fueled anger. We stared at each other for a few minutes, challenging each other silently while steam came out of our ears. Miraculously, my brain returned to me before I spoke, enough pressure had been released (thank you steam ears), and I realized that I needed to break the tension or he would not hear anything I had to say and it would perpetuate the problem. So, I decided to go along with this fantasy of his, hoping to stimulate his intellect into realizing the absurdity of his words.

“Well, I’m glad you finally figured it out. Each day I wake up, grab a cup of coffee and say to myself, 'How can I ruin my son’s life today?'” I watched the anger begin to dissipate. “We have a game, you and I. My role is to ruin your life (for which you’ll thank me for one day); and your daily quest is to figure out my master plan. What say you? Do we have a game?” He was trying desperately not to laugh at this moment. I stuck out my hand and he took it, shaking it in agreement.

Now when he displays his displeasure at my response and decision, I say with glee, “You did it! You figured out how I wanted to ruin your life today! You are so good at this game. I will need to come up with something really difficult tomorrow.”

This always turns a moment that could go wrong in so many ways into laughter. Inserting humor does wonders to a temperamental tween, I am learning. There are two proverbs that sum this up well: “A kind word turns away wrath”, and, “Laughter does the heart good like medicine.”

If you have or have had a tween – we need your ideas.

How do you help curb attitude without breaking their spirit?



photo attribution: "Fight," by Philippe Put via Flickr

The Great Screen Time Debate

these thoughts come to us from guest blogger and mommy wonder Jes...

Screens are a constant issue, modern-day monsters that perpetually munch away at time that could be spent doing something else (says the writer who is typing this message onto a screen while checking Facebook – ha!).

OK, so that was a little strong. Nevertheless, let’s be honest, adults. We believe that statement is true for our children, but not really true for us. After all, we exercise regularly, eat our veggies and work hard all week, sacrificing night and day so our little ones can grow up healthy and strong. Yet many of us (myself included) tell our children to go outside and play, give heavy lessons on why we limit screen time, and then as soon as the door is shut we quickly get onto our electronic devices for a quick hit to make it through to the next moment. I ask though, next moment of what? Are screens modern-day wise sages to life that we must always sit before them and bask in their infinite binary wisdom? And why are children the only ones supposed to run outside and play screen free?

You thought this was a message about parenting children didn’t you? Vooohahahaha! It is! No, really it is. Who do you think the children are watching? We know the answer but when confronted by our children, are we prepared to explain ourselves? I have a learned the hard way that through the mighty super powers of observation, children have a way of turning a lesson back on us. Bless their little hearts.

My oldest asked me why he had limited screen time but we were allowed to play on our phones, laptops and such all day long, even at the dinner table (which was the final insult to him). I could have easily given him some variation of "I’m an adult, I can do what I want and when you are an adult, you can make the rules for your life," or, "Do as I say, not as I do." However, I knew if I did, I could not look him in the eyes as it even sounded shallow to my ears simply listening to my thoughts ponder the response.

He was right. It was time to tuck the smart phone away (that yet again made me look dumb which I do believe is its design in the universe), close the laptop and store out of sight, put the remote into the end table drawer so it is not a visual reminder and then ask, what next? Go outside and play! Seriously, when was the last time you played tag or hide and seek? The great outdoors is not reserved only for children, nor is hanging out with neighbors (if you have them). Grab a cup of coffee and knock on your neighbor’s door and see if they can come outside and play, too. Take the children for a walk together, or sit outside and chat while they run around. The fresh air will do you some good, even in the rain. Rain walks are fun -- think of all the endless puddles and splashes!

Are you feeling the panic yet? The fear of what might happen if you don’t have your phone on you while you interact with the world? I did. I felt genuine fear and tried to rationalize it with thoughts of emergencies, great photo ops for Facebook and even (shock, awe) the idea I could be bored. But it only lasted for a moment. The next moment brought joy, relationship and wonder. I completely forgot about my electronic devices. I now make it a habit to leave my phone in the car or at home when doing something fun with my children outside, even while at the park. They deserve my undivided attention and I need to have true focus, rather than split entertainment.

I challenge you all to tuck away the phones, laptops and tablets and go outside and play. When you're in the house, sitting around unsure what to do, reach for ideas rather than electronic devices. Our ancestors led perfectly happy lives without the aid of phones and computers. Let’s make them proud! (Not to mention to reinforce the values we are trying to instill in our children during this digital revolution.)

Let’s be the leaders in modeling screen-free outdoor play. Can I get an amen?



attribution: smartphone image

There’s a New Sheriff in Town

Stick 'em up! It's a guest post from Jes...

Who's the real law in this town, anyway?

When the house grows from one child to two children and perhaps more, eventually someone receives the highly coveted bossy boots. For most homes, the boots typically go the oldest child, a natural fit given their birth order. In our home, this has certainly been true until recently. The youngest is sure giving child number one a run for his money.

Hi, My Name is Mt. Momsuvious

it's PMS WEEK here at silly = sane. today, we share a laugh with Jes, whose thoughts on patience are applicable to every day of the month! ... also, quick apologies for the tardiness of recent posts. i am currently without home computer. now, on with the words...

I think Pat Benatar has it right when she wails love is a battlefield. If we are not declaring “for the love of Pete” in exasperation over one more crazy thing – like telling our child for the sixth time to get their shoes on – then we are urgently trying to channel the saintly love of Mother Teresa to remind us that our children are worthy of our humanitarian support.

There is that moment, though, when a volcano explodes inside your brain and you think, “I can’t take this anymore,” sending your normal down-to-earth, easy-going demeanor into a fit of screams that would intimidate a drill sergeant. The children instantly do exactly what you’ve been trying to get them to do, all along causing another rush of rage in its wake. Seriously, is it not infuriating when you get to the point of yelling that your children finally listen?

I know the experts say the key to effective parenting is to remain calm. but when Mother Teresa fails to inspire our help and compassion, we need to find another solution. Otherwise, we may find ourselves in an anger management support group one day saying, “Hi, my name is Mt. Momsuvious.”

Recently I heard my boys’ teacher explain that when adults often lose patience with their children, they have lost understanding. I have contemplated that single sentence for a few weeks now and it has inspired me to stop and observe the dynamics rather than react to them.

I watched my children for a few days and noted my trigger points and then I asked myself, is this a control issue or is there a real roadblock to success? My findings were rather sad. Most of my trigger points are organizational and approach issues that are ALL on me! Not a defeatist by nature, I decided it was time for positive change.

For example, morning routines had become an issue with all three children in school and I found the biggest hurdle were the final moments of getting out the door to seat belts fastened, and it all revolved around transition from free time to “go” time. Now if my children want time in the morning to play or even watch a TV show (if time allows) before they jump in the van, they must have eaten breakfast, brushed their teeth and hair, gotten dressed complete with shoes and jackets on and placed their lunch snacks in their bags. Once everyone in the house has reached this goal (great way for natural peer pressure to stay on track), then there is time for open play or a cartoon. Getting into the van is no longer a stressful event. They are ready to go! No transition from play/cartoon to putting on shoes and jackets followed by stress affecting their ability to get into the van.

I encourage you to think about pressure points in your home that cause your normally peaceful
personality to explode and what you have done to gain understanding… and do share! Tips from fellow parents are a constant source of inspiration and encouragement! Your idea and solution may be exactly what another parent needs.



want to read more quality writing on momma rage? head on over to Creative With Kids, where Alissa has been keeping up an immensely helpful series on parental anger. my favorite post is Evolution of a Mama Tantrum - and How to STOP One.
credit love: the photos making up our Mt. Momsuvious image come from the public domain and "The Look" by Trinity, both via Flickr.

Zombie Children in the Boredom Apocalypse

we wish you a very happy, sugar-charged (and, of course, silly) Halloween with our first guest post from Jes to the silly = sane blog. read and enjoy... and watch out for the vacant stare...

“Mom, I’m bored” is probably the scariest phrase I hear all day. On the outside it may not seem very frightening, but what happens to a child when they have entered the boredom zone is the stuff of horror films.

My usually imaginative, witty and active child literally turns into a mindless zombie. All thought, reasoning and feeling has fled their bodies and I am left with an uncooperative empty shell of kid who doesn’t even have the muscle strength to stand up and walk away from a couch. Instead, they usually roll off the couch with a sigh of exasperation followed by a whine that makes the nerves in my ear drum turn bionic, amplifying all negative thoughts and feelings all around me.

I am now properly set on edge and ready to do battle.

meet Jes

hey all! this is a quick post to introduce you to Jes, one of my dearest friends who you will be seeing as a guest poster here on silly = sane.


Jes has three children -- two boys ages 8 and nearly 10, and a girl age 4 -- and i've had so much fun watching these kids grow up. (that's them on the right. cutie patooties!)

in high school, it was Jes who roped me into many of the activities that forged my future career path (wow!). when we were in college, it was Jes who introduced me to coffee (God bless the woman!). and since forming families, it's been Jes who i most often look to as a model of parenting (and how!). this is a momma with serious silly parenting skills. she's a master, y'all. and as you'll see, her posts carry that same humorous approach to life. she would want me to say that she's still learning the ropes. but, then, aren't we all?

so be sure to check out her first post, and stay tuned for more...

welcome, Jes!