book pick: I Loathe You

by Melissa

what if monsters celebrated Valentine's Day? this book isn't about the Hallmark holiday, but it is about the love of a Parental Monster for a Child Monster (gender-neutral, these monsters are). it's like a grotesque, glop-loving spin on the more pastel-hued Guess How Much I Love You. which is to say, it's right up our alley when we're more in the mood for silly than saccharine...

I Loathe You is by artist David Slonim. looking at his semi-abstract paintings that are the stuff of galleries, you wouldn't think this would be the kind of man to produce storyful art about monsters, a slug and a rubber duck. but he is a children's author, to be sure, and the kind that understands what parents enjoy as well as the young'uns.

so, how much does Big Monster loathe Little Monster? more than leeches, what the dog threw up and certainly more than stinky, sweaty socks. and even if Little messes up with a "please" or a bath, Big will always loathe the little brute, from horns to claws.

hm, maybe a tiny bit saccharine.

The Responsibilities of Chores

by Jes

Really, I don’t blame the whining, complaining and the notion that chores are boring, because, well … I feel the same way. If given the option to read a good book, garden or have writing time, I would choose one of those over emptying the dishwasher, folding laundry or sweeping the floor any day, bar none.

As grown-ups we have learned the virtue of you do something because it is the right thing to do, not because you want to. After all, the dishes don’t do themselves and neither does the laundry. Recently I watched Disney’s “Sword in the Stone” and Merlin frees Wart (or Arthur) from his chores by using magic to make the cleaning tools come to life, and Wart complains that Merlin is taking away his responsibilities. He complained! That got my attention faster than the magical mop cleaning up the room (which is pretty cool, I need to get me one of those). Props to old-school Disney for a positive message!

Taking a lesson from young King Arthur, I decided it was time to stop looking at housework and honey-do lists as chores and view them as responsibilities. I have zero intention of doing a political correctness spin on an old-fashioned notion, but I wonder if changing the word made all the difference? So I tried it and there is actually a change in perception – not only did I feel more empowered but so did my children.

I have a rule in my house (that existed before the “responsibility” experiment) that we clean things up regardless of who makes the mess. I do the dishes even though I did not dirty them all, I do the laundry even though I did not wear all the clothes, I sweep the floor even though I did not put all the crumbs on the floor. So if I ask a child to clean up the living room, I mean everything, not just what they played with. We make messes together as a family, therefore, we clean up together as a family.

With this notion in mind, I decided to use the word “responsibilities” as well as issue some specific ones per child per week on a rotating schedule for extra oomph. I made a simple responsibilities list and clothes pins with their names on it to mark who does what. They pick out their extra responsibilities each Sunday and then the game is on! They love it! My oldest actually asked for one more responsibility to distinguish him from the younger two as he is the oldest. I could cry, I was speechless and my mother’s heart was overflowing with all sorts of parental pride.

Now, the whining and complaining was not gone. It was minimized, but not completely gone. But there are tricks a mom can use to turn whining into laughter. On hard-to-motivate days, make it a game. Here are a few games we enjoy as a family:

1Beat the clock. I set a timer for 20 minutes and we race against the clock to see how much we can get done – the reward is a scoop of ice cream. If we get it all done in the 20 minutes, then we get some whipped cream on top. So, the fun bonding reward is there no matter what and then there is a bonus reward for beating the clock. If it isn't done on time, just say, “next time we’ll beat that pesky clock and get whipped cream!” Make it silly!

2 Freeze-dance cleaning sessions. Turn on some fun music and every so often pause it, turning everyone into statues. When the music begins again, everyone starts cleaning! To be extra silly, make comments about the statues: “Look at Myles, his arm extended beautifully as he works hard to destroy the dust collection on the TV!” This not only acknowledges what they are doing, but humor breaks up the chore-day grumpies.

3Change of pace. Take turns deciding how things will be cleaned up; for example, we’ll move fast, slow, tip-toe, like a ballerina, or like a puppy dog (warning with this one, puppy dogs can magically use their paws to prevent the use of a mouth to pick up everything. Learned that one the hard way!).

How does your family approach chores … ahem … responsibilities? Do you play any games to make it more fun?



attribution: the photo for this post comes from ThreeIfByBike.

lines to use when you're crossing the line

i am so far from being the perfect parent. my default responses are to complain and blow up. when my kids most need a calm, controlled, routine-oriented adult is when, of course, it's hardest for me to deliver. many times, i fail miserably. despite my best non-swear word efforts, my 2-year-old is likely learning some of the real ones.

but then there are the times when i am able to pull it together in the moment – to not blow up at The No Factory in front of me, to not throw the fork across the room when i've just asked my children to refrain from the same thing, to not use a four-letter word when a goofy face would work so much better for everyone.

there are some key lines that others have passed on to me that raise the likelihood i'll find success in those moments:

"it's a season in life" my sister-in-law gave me this one. it's a powerful perspective-giver. i've found that even when the young one is kicking and crying, this line gives me the compassion i need to see her as my hurting toddler and not a mini-me out to get mom.

"i'm feeling very grateful today" this one comes from a blogging momma i admire over at Creative With Kids, who uses this now in response to the question of "how are you doing?" it gets rid of the first reaction (mine: "i'm going insane, thank you") by reminding yourself of the truth.

"get down on kid level" this is a good physical response to use that comes from a tip from A Mom With A Lesson Plan. sometimes i think back to a mad moment, and realize what i must have looked like to my child – a towering madwoman glaring down at her little girl. my daughter is not my enemy! but i sure am making her feel like it. i find that when i get down on the floor with my kids – even below their eye level, so they're the ones looking down at me – i gain better perspective on the situation. most times, things end in a hug when i do this. (and that makes me and them feel better!)

"good enough!" i gave myself this one. i'm a recovering workaholic perfectionist. and i'm slowly starting to really believe that "good enough" is "good enough" and not just another word for failure. perfection is not only impossible, it's downright damaging. if i say these words out loud, i'm telling myself to lower my standards – leave the dirty dishes in the sink (they've already been there 24 hours anyway) and sit down and read a book with the girls.

"i'm sorry" finally, this one comes from my Dad, who was always a great model of what to do when you do screw up. i get down to my kid's level or sit down with them, go over what happened ("i got really angry, didn't i?"), apologize and then share a hug. the fruits of this have already been shown when both my girls on different occasions have volunteered their own "i'm sorry" apologies without prompting.

maybe i'm not such a screw-up after all, right?

The Myth Behind Parent-Child Negotiations

by Jes

It starts out innocent. You put your child to bed and they suddenly have to go to the bathroom … again. Or they have a thirst like any other thirst they have ever experienced before and MUST have water or else they’ll fall to the floor in a puddle. Your child receives a plate of food with reasonable and healthy portions. They ask how many bites they must eat to receive a treat, or to be excused from the table. You ask them to help with a responsibility (like fold towels) and instantaneously they are hungry.

As they grow older the negotiations become more mature and at times pre-meditated. Your child is suddenly sweet, extra snuggly, being strangely compliant about everything. This is their first mistake because as a parent you weren’t born yesterday. Although you believe your child is an angel capable of loving, kind and respectful behavior, you also know their limitations. So what gives? They want something and they are buttering you up before asking and setting in place evidence for negotiation. “Mom, I did all you asked" …or … "Mom, I was really good today" ... "Why can’t I -- spend the night at Susie’s house? ... have more video game time? ... stay up 30 minutes later?”

At what point does a parent enter into negotiations, and when it is wrong for a child to negotiate?

As a parent I have learned it is critical to have clear expectations in place. For example, bed time is promptly at 9 p.m., so they need to take care of all their needs and potential needs before then. If they feel they may be thirsty after being tucked in, they need to prepare a glass of water just in case. If they wish to stay up, they need to discuss this with me ahead of time, not while preparing for bed. That is the wrong time to enter into negotiations as it sets a precedent that your clear expectations are really grey matter. When a child begins this negotiation with me I say, “Great question, ask me tomorrow and we’ll plan a day where you can stay up 30 minutes later, but not tonight. Bedtime is at 9 p.m.”

I usually receive whining, and last-ditch efforts to try and persuade me but I try as much as possible to stay the course (yes, sometimes they win me over, and they celebrate when they do … I do have my soft moments). Why stay the course? It is the wrong time to enter into negotiations, not that negotiations are wrong. There is a myth that children who negotiate are always manipulative and disrespectful of the rules. It is fabulous when children are able to plan and prepare an argument to make something happen, but it is unfortunate when they are allowed to manipulate as that undermines the value of respect.

Continuing with the example, to give in right before bedtime consistently (not occasionally) teaches them they can manipulate, that there are no boundaries and reasonable expectations. To request a meeting and a discussion at an appropriate time teaches them life skills they can take into other relationships and into their future workplace. It teaches respect.

I am not suggesting you turn into a tyrant and refuse water or bathroom visitations after lights have been turned off, but that you remind your children to care for their needs before the final bedtime routine. If necessary post a list in their bedroom or bathroom (words and/or with pictures) of all that is expected of them to do prior to lights out, ensuring a higher rate of success … and if nothing else, it puts the power of negotiations without argument back into your court. “Oh? Well, let’s take a look at the bedtime list. I’m sorry you forgot your water. Go back to bed and I’ll bring you a glass as you should be in bed now.” Or, “If you need to use the restroom there is no need to visit me and announce it, we can spend time together tomorrow, just go and then return straight to bed.”

What are some examples of clear expectations in your home? Do your children try to negotiate? How
are negotiations handled in your home? I would love to hear all about it! Other parents, too, it helps us
all learn from each other.



photo credit: "glass of water" by followtheseinstructions, via Flickr

book pick: The Retired Kid

life has been really crazy lately... which is to say, more crazy than usual for any family with young children! i'll spare you the details, but in short it involves an ever-expanding to-do list, a house encased in plastic, correspondingly elevated pms symptoms, and the newly discovered need for a security system. oh, and a stomach virus. yay!

a friend of mine reminded me of a date on our calendar, however, that makes everything bearable: Cancun 2013. we're celebrating our 10-year anniversaries with our husbands at an all-inclusive resort, which means nothing to worry about but the sunscreen. swim-up bars. towels shaped into animals. grass umbrellas. some local ruins. someone else cooking all the meals. ahhhhhh...

sometimes my husband and i daydream about "when we retire." our kids are ages 2 and 5, but we're already banking on grandkids and bicycle tours of Europe. maybe even an rv to tour the lower 48. but lately, the habit has come to annoy me. for one thing, they really are pipe dreams. who knows if we'll be able to retire, much less go to Europe! for another, it makes it seem like what's happening now is some kind of lesser existence – when it is anything but! even when there are more stresses than usual, what's happening in our lives now is nothing short of splendiferous.


a fun book we've been reading around here that gets me in the right present-frame of mind is The Retired Kid, a somewhat-older gem by the prolific Jon Agee. "It's hard work being a kid." so Brian decides to retire at the ripe age of 8. he flies off to (where else?) Florida, and settles in as the latest resident of the Happy Sunset Retirement Community. there are card games, golf, and poolside naps. but also long documentaries, prune juice smoothies, and false teeth mishaps. so Brian gets to thinking about "the good old days." and you know what? being a kid ain't so bad.

and neither is being a parent! (i even hear they have resorts with childcare nowadays...)



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Our New Look

by Melissa

Not quite a year ago, I started this blog as an outlet—for my parental frustrations as well as my professional drive to keep writing, writing anything at all. Here's an excerpt from that original "About" page, which shall be kept for posterity:

inevitably, some of the most poignant times – when we remember why parenting is a joy – are when we're all doubled over in giggles over something that would make our single friends look at us with a pitying 'you've gone nuts.' they have no idea that it's the sanest we've felt in a long harried time. remembering the carefree parts of being a child by celebrating them with our own keeps the crazy away.

this blog is a compendium of light-hearted reminders to enjoy our kids and cherish the fleeting years we have with the silly stage – before they turn into sour teenagers.

Not quite a year later, you've noticed a lot of "guest" posts from a dear friend of mine, Jesikah, and as of yesterday, another dear friend, Pavette, who are writers in their own right—as well as super mommas with the healthy dose of humor that's needed for this parenting trip. In other words, they've got the silly = sane philosophy down.

So I'm not waiting for some one-year anniversary of reflection. In the midst of potty training a 2-year-old (oh, how I hate poop), trying to jimmy-rig a clown costume for my 5-year-old (oh, how I hate clowns), and increasingly filling naptime hours with paid work (oh, how I hate bills but love paychecks), I am going to take all the help I can get with this lovely endeavor that I think is worth continuing. And, quite simply, I'm going to call this blog what it already is: a community effort!

Welcome to the new silly = sane, home of Melissa, Jesikah and Pavette—and, who knows, maybe some other contributors down the road! Check out the new About tab up top to learn more about our writers.

Incidentally, all you writing parents out there (and we do mean daddies, too) are always welcome to submit a guest post for consideration. Email me at sillyissane@gmail.com.

About this blog

Parenting children sometimes requires acting like them. That's the idea behind silly = sane, a blog that recognizes that remembering the carefree parts of being a child—by celebrating them with our own—is what helps keep the crazy away. Over the years, this blog has shared parenting strategies that work, thoughts about poop and burnt dinners, recommendations for picture books and music that keep everyone happy—all with a healthy dose of humor.

Updated June 2020

This blog is written by...

Melissa... I am a mother to two splendid young ladies. On this parenting journey, I've been continually reminded how awesome it is to be a kid (and, as an adult, to just act like one). I started this blog when my daughters were much younger, if equally rambunctious (see the old photo at right and the original About post). A freelance writer and journalist, I continue to work from home to focus on these two, the oldest of whom is now a teenager and taller than me (and happy to remind Mom about both facts... every... day...). When they were young, being silly was key to survival. In the sarcastic teen years, it's still true. Ultimately, this blog is an on-again, off-again outlet to share the parenting journey as well as a way for me to simply keep writing when other projects stall. For me, writing is a personal passion that, along with being silly, is my sure path to staying sane.

You are welcome to submit your own guest posts or ask questions; reach out to sillyissane@gmail.com.

Past contributors

Jesikah is a writer/teacher mom of three spirited children each styling an epic personality. Good thing, too, as she is always up for an adventure! Whether it is creating stories, geeking out on board games, endlessly planning her garden or making a huge mess in the kitchen, she is known to face parenting with a good dose of humor and mythic nerdiness—the essential ingredients to becoming the Geekiest Mom on the Block, a title she boasts with pride. She is now a full-time fiction writer. Check her out at jesikahsundin.com.

Pavette is the stay-at-home mom to three wonderful children. They attempt to peacefully coexist in rural Kitsap County using cooking, crafting, gardening and a lot of humor. Many a Pinterest idea has been executed by Pavette, often with results that would likely be shunned from the Pinterest community due to non-conformity.

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